- Immigration?

- Revenue.

Missus Rose! There are people

here from the government!

I've been gutted!

John, I've been stripped

of every morsel of pleasure

I earned in this life!

Well, how do you think I feel, Moira?!

Eli was family, for God's sake!

Leave your finances to me,

he said! Son of a bitch!

Baby, it's crazy, people are just like,

taking our stuff!

I said, they're taking our stuff!

Can you just step out of

the club for a second, ple...

Hold on, hold on! Those

bags are not for you,

my boyfriend bought those for me,

so, theoretically, they are his!

Please sir, can you step aside?

No, you step aside! You step aside!

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around

what kind of a sick

person wants to get paid
to destroy another person's life!

Destroy another person's life!

Where are you taking that?!

My very soul has been kidnapped,

there's no ransom, no
one's coming to save me!

We've got 15 minutes to

collect our personals,

- can we pick up the pace?!

- No, no!

Did you put Kristen with Robin?

They don't like each other!

Nooooo! Nooooo!

Eli really did a number, Johnny.

He took everything.

They're still looking for him,

they think he's in the Caymans.

He was our business manager,

he's supposed to pay taxes!

Hmm.

There is a very small

amount set aside for you,

and one asset the government

has allowed you to retain.

The kids.

The children are dependents, Moira.

You bought a small town in 1991, Johnny.

Yes, I bought that as a joke for my son.

Wait, you actually purchased that town?

Yes, I purchased the town,

how else could I get the deed?

- You could've photo shopped the deed!

- And saved the money!

Why would I Photoshop a deed,

the joke was owning the town!

- Okay, stop.
- That was the joke!

- Oh my God!
- Well, that was the joke!

To Johnny's credit...

This town just might be your

saving grace, at least for a while.

What do you mean?

You can live there for next to nothing,

until you get back on your feet.

I'm sure there's a

penthouse we can move into,

please, there are other options.

Well, homelessness is still on the table.

The whole time I was surrounded

by old women wearing visors,

who smelled like yams!

There was nowhere to lie down!

There was nowhere to lie
down, there was no bed!

There was no kitchen.

I know!

No.

I don't know what to

tell you, there's like,

cows all over the place, like, everywhere.

I don't know if there's even a station,

I don't know what's happening!

Johnny Rose!

Roland Schitt.

Oh, you're the mayor

we're supposed to meet.

That's right, I'm the mayor,

so if you're looking for

an ass to kiss, it's mine!

Oh, this is my family, my son...

Let's get you all squared away

in the office there, Johnny,

okay, the gals can grab the bags,

you follow me, all right, right this way,

watch it, honey, here we come.

The "Cheaters" marathon

we watched, it's like that.

Children, keep an eye on these bags.

Apparently in hell, there's no bellman!

- David, what are we...
- Shut up!

- You shut up!

- You shut up!

- Um, you shut up!

- You shhhut up!

The name is Rose.

I don't see a reservation under that name.

It's okay, Stevie, I set

aside two rooms for them.

Well, there's nothing here.

Well okay, fine, just

book 'em in with two rooms,

these people own the

town; They're big deals.

We'll need three rooms, minimum.

Ooh, no can do, honey.

Look, we have a one room comp policy here,

and I am personally throwing in an

extra room out of sheer decency, so...

What about suites? Do you

have a couple of suites?

This guy!

Um...

No, this is a motel,

so we cater more to off road

truckers and drunk teenagers.

Please, someone just

give me a key, to a door,

to a room any room! I just want a bathtub,

and a long extension cord, please.

There you go, ma'am.

It smells like a gym bag.

Does anyone else feel light headed?

Oh my God, this takes

me back to high school.

You know, I did the deed in just

about every room in this place.

Yep, if a forensic team came in here

with one of those blue lights,

this place would just light up!

Okay, that's good.

- Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!

- Oh my God. Oh my God!

Oh hey, chief, the other

room's right through there.

Here you go.

And there's the bed,

I should probably pull off

that cover, and... burn it.

All right.

Good, Roland, thank you very

much, appreciate everything, uh...

... Have a ball in the land down under!

Ever wanna ride a kangaroo?

Okay.

Okay.

- Okay.
- Oof!

Okay, okay.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay!

Okay. Okay. I love you!

Oh, okay, well, it looks

like you got all the channels

except for Channel 19 for

some reason. I don't know why.

Well, the thing is we won't be

watching a lot of television,

but again, thank you,

I don't want to keep you,

I know you're a busy man.

Whoa!

Hi.

Can I help you?

I'm looking for an extra towel, Okay...

And this might be a stupid question,

considering the state

of the rugs in our room,

but do you have a business centre here?

Yes, we do have a business center.

You can find it right outside
the doors to your left,

right beside the hammam spa.

Would you like me to book you

a treatment while you're at it?

Thank you, no, just the towel, thanks.

I'll get those right out.

Well Roland, once again,

thank you for giving us

the lay of the land here,

but we have some serious unpacking to do.

- Oh, sure!
- If you don't mind.

No problem there, Johnny,

I don't mind helpin' out.

Listen, one thing before I go here, um...

Do you mind if I use your toilet?

Is it absolutely necessary?

Uh, yeah, I would say

it's absolutely necessary!

Excuse me.

Absolutely necessary.

Yes, that train has left the station,

if you know what I mean!

- I need that bed.

- Why?

- Because I need it.

- Why?

Because if someone were to break in here

in the middle of the

night wanting to murder us,

they would attack this bed first,

so I need this bed.

So you're saying that you

want me to get murdered first?!

In front of you? And

then what would you do?

Would you just run away

and leave me to bleed out...

On the floor?!

Uh, sort of, that was the plan, yeah.

Okay. Well, you can have

the bed when I leave.

Well, where are you going?

Stavros is flying in to
get me, I told you that.

What do you mean Stavros is com...

What do you mean? When?

When is he doing that?

Like, whenever stupid Mary-Kate

stops hogging his plane.

Well, where are we going?

Okay, at present, he's just coming for me,

but then I figured that

we would just come back
and grab you guys at some point.

What kind of sociopath abandons her

family in some vomit soaked dump,

to gallivant around the world

with her dumb shipping heir loser boyfriend

she's known for three months?!

Um, David, it will be

four months next month!

Oh my God!

And he just told me that he

could potentially see himself

considering saying "I love you"

at some point sometime soon, so...

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

I'm telling mom. I'm telling

mom and dad, have you told them?

No! No David, I'm waiting

for the right opportunity.

Okay, otherwise dad's gonna cry,

and mom's gonna do that thing

where she pretends that nothing's wrong,

and then just doesn't

talk to me for five months,

and I don't want that.

Well, I need this bed! I need it, so.

You know what, David?!

You get murdered first for once!

No, you get murdered first!

David, you get murdered first!

No, you! You do it!

Yes, you get murdered first!

David, you get murdered first!

I actually think this place is kinda cute.

Did you say cute?

No Alexis, Martha Stewart's

Hampton home is cute.

Where's that weird man?

Where?

He's in the bathroom.

He... he won't leave!

Well, he's been in there

for a very long ti...

Oh my God! Oh my God!

Jeez. Um... Boy.

Remind me to get that window fixed.

It will not open.

Roland, listen, thank you very much,

but I appreciate everything you've done,

we need a little private

time now, as a family.

Sure, well actually, those

curtains do close there so...

Oh, look! You've got Channel 19!

Roland, could you get the fuck out?!

This latest model is a

revelation in innovation.

I am not lying folks, it's

gonna last you a lifetime.

You are gonna thank...

That was an overreaction.

That was uncalled for.

It's just... you know,

we're a little tired,

it's been a long day,

there's a pharmacy worth

of drugs wearing off

on most of us right now,

and I just think as a family,

we just need a little time to chill.

Johnny, please, you

don't have to apologize,

and you really don't have

to hit me over the head

with this sort of thing, I get it,

you need your little family

time and all that, I'm sure.

No problem.

You know what I'll do, I'll um...

I'll just get the fuck out of here.

Ugh, we have to eat in here?!

I think it's kinda sweet.

Alexis, what's going on with you?

- What do you mean?

- Seriously?!

The room was "cute," this place is "sweet."

I am personally offended by this place,

I don't know what you

think is nice about it.

The town is disgusting. It is gruesome.

It is charming, it is quaint,
it's like out of a storybook.

Alexis, what the hell

is the matter with you?!

Okay... Stavros is flying in to get me,

and I am going to go live

with him for a little bit.

Well, that is not happening.

And I am appalled that my baby girl

has turned into a

selfish, duplicitous whore!

Oh, hello!

Hi, I'm Twyla. I'll be your waitress today.

Anyway, I read about you guys,

and everything you've gone

through, it sounds super crappy.

Super crappy?

I had a second cousin in Elmdale

who did telemarketing,

he made a ton of money.

It turns out his entire

business was illegal,

and he lost everything.

Hm... not quite the same.

Yeah, no, he went to prison,

which is terrible, but...

But he is learning
Spanish, no mas, le duele!

I think it means, "stop, it hurts."

Oh, wonderful anecdote.

Could you give us a moment please?

Whenever you're ready,

I'm just right over here.

I forbid you to abandon our family.

I am a grown woman, mother.

This is an act of a spoiled child!

I think it's unforgivable!

I think that you're just super jealous,

'cause I'm getting out of here!

Also, you have a big thing

of dandruff on your eyebrow.

- Don't do that!
- Kids, stop, stop!

The world is falling apart around us John,